Rant.
为什么是那么的不公平呢？
为什么要有责任感的必须是我呢？
为什么每一次都是我？
我也会累的。
It makes me so angry, so freaking angry. I hate helplessness, and loathe even more the feigned helplessness or that sheer irresponsible attitude of yours, predicated on the assumption that when things fall part I will be there to pick the pieces up for you. Or even worse, that they will do it.
Grow up, will you? My maternal instincts extend only to the genuinely helpless children and women of societies in which they have no speaking voice and little social power - where an inflow of funds channelled to the right organization and the creation of an infrastructure providing education does truly uplift and liberate human lives. I am tired of taking care of things, I am tired of this. My life is not a novel of yours, to create and edit at your whimsy. I respected you once, but you will have to earn that respect now.
Stop being so plastic. Beautification is fine, but obsession is not. Splurging on frivolous products and then claiming penury is really not acceptable. Don't make people have to pick up after you, as you run along life like the undisciplined child you have shown yourself to be. I used to think that you were liberated in a way that I never was, but today I saw that your fetters were there too - but only deeper beneath.
*
To Ae.
Discovering myself fashioned by discourses I did not shape, and tired of all the binaries people create. Stop this play of words, I want to tell you, but the knowledge you feed me is like a terrible drug that clears my vision, sharpens it so terribly well that I finally understand the truth, the game, and my status as a pawn. I have been manipulated most of my life by the ignorant, the scheming, the power-hungry, and it is sad that there is little to do about it, because the apparatuses of power are too large and fearful for one person to confront.
I am a prisoner, enthralled by your lessons; words and words by foreign minds in foreign tongues which begin to free me. But mine, for now, are of helpless rage, on the unreal white page of cyberspace.
Posted in: Thoughts on Thursday, October 26, 2006 at
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